Advice...

My cousin Jonathan came over for a talk, I found it easy to talk to him about what the most loving choices were in relation to his girlfriend leaving him.  I also thought to myself, I know what I'm saying is not supporting the usual words that come after someone leaves their partner.  I'd just been throuh it, seems like yesterday, probably because I cling to relationships as if I'll never have anyone else care for me. 

I thought, it's extremely hard to follow my own advice, not call and just let the person go thus honoring their choice to find happiness in life somewhere else in a life without you included in it.  Especially when you "care about them"  mostly when you are selfishly thinking about yourself and your own life and how you perceive your own life to be so lonely and miserable without them in it.  Jonathan is a smart kid, he picked up on the selfish part of it all.  Yet, he still wants to have it his way, just like his cousin it seems.

I selfishly find myself longing, missing and wanting to be able to have Zantheia in my life now, I fail sometimes and have to be gentle with myself.  I included her in my Happy Thanksgiving texts to my friends, even after being told don't contact me.  I am still not done clinging or healed enough to just let the thoughts of her and PJ, enter my brain, bless them and then pass out of my thought process. 

The success was not in calling her, and letting there have been some time in between doing that.  Who knows when I'll truly be healed and ready to fully be with someone else.  A little at a time. 

Leah has come back into my life now, or rather I have allowed her access... I learned alot from my irresponsible choice to allow Zantheia all the way into my chidlren's and my life, as such in the past I would've already had Leah over almost everyday and moment that she wanted to be over spending time with me and the kids.  I haven't let her see or interact with the kids yet,  I feel proud of this choice, I have given what I think is way too much of my time, though.  We've talked for hours some evenings.  I enjoyed a ride up the canyon to a camping spot we'd previously go camp in.  I'm tappering it down. I can see myself making some of the same irresponsible choices as I've previously made, with Zantheia and others... and quite honestly, after this last thing with Zantheia, my heart truly wants me to be more loving with it.

I think of her so much still, think of Leah much too, so much I see now though and thinking of Becca now too... I don't like seeing my kids sleeping with pictures of Zantheia, I don't like seeing them keeping pictures of PJ and her up on their dressors.  I don't like seeing the hurt that my blindly believing something that I didn't give myself time to truly see, has caused them.  I think of how they hurt before with Leah, and I'm being extra careful and aware.

I have much on my mind.  I love you Becca...
Be gentle with me, as we're just learning to ride this bike,
people call a world.