My cousin Jonathan came over for a talk, I found it easy to talk to him about what the most loving choices were in relation to his girlfriend leaving him. I also thought to myself, I know what I'm saying is not supporting the usual words that come after someone leaves their partner. I'd just been throuh it, seems like yesterday, probably because I cling to relationships as if I'll never have anyone else care for me.
I thought, it's extremely hard to follow my own advice, not call and just let the person go thus honoring their choice to find happiness in life somewhere else in a life without you included in it. Especially when you "care about them" mostly when you are selfishly thinking about yourself and your own life and how you perceive your own life to be so lonely and miserable without them in it. Jonathan is a smart kid, he picked up on the selfish part of it all. Yet, he still wants to have it his way, just like his cousin it seems.
I selfishly find myself longing, missing and wanting to be able to have Zantheia in my life now, I fail sometimes and have to be gentle with myself. I included her in my Happy Thanksgiving texts to my friends, even after being told don't contact me. I am still not done clinging or healed enough to just let the thoughts of her and PJ, enter my brain, bless them and then pass out of my thought process.
The success was not in calling her, and letting there have been some time in between doing that. Who knows when I'll truly be healed and ready to fully be with someone else. A little at a time.
Leah has come back into my life now, or rather I have allowed her access... I learned alot from my irresponsible choice to allow Zantheia all the way into my chidlren's and my life, as such in the past I would've already had Leah over almost everyday and moment that she wanted to be over spending time with me and the kids. I haven't let her see or interact with the kids yet, I feel proud of this choice, I have given what I think is way too much of my time, though. We've talked for hours some evenings. I enjoyed a ride up the canyon to a camping spot we'd previously go camp in. I'm tappering it down. I can see myself making some of the same irresponsible choices as I've previously made, with Zantheia and others... and quite honestly, after this last thing with Zantheia, my heart truly wants me to be more loving with it.
I think of her so much still, think of Leah much too, so much I see now though and thinking of Becca now too... I don't like seeing my kids sleeping with pictures of Zantheia, I don't like seeing them keeping pictures of PJ and her up on their dressors. I don't like seeing the hurt that my blindly believing something that I didn't give myself time to truly see, has caused them. I think of how they hurt before with Leah, and I'm being extra careful and aware.
I have much on my mind. I love you Becca...
Be gentle with me, as we're just learning to ride this bike,
people call a world.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
Thursday, September 31, 2010
What is Real Loving Acceptance look like?
What kind of a difference can it make in your relationships?
Today, Sharon my Real Love coach/wise person gave me more to think and grow on, when she asked me if what I'd been learning about what it means, looks and feels like, to truly love someone. Then she topped it off by asking if it felt like I was struggling or if things were getting better. This got my mind to going and I shared about what has recently happened with a woman that I've been, "In Love With" for quite some years now. The woman is now seeing someone else and I had learned that she had been spreading a lie about me to everyone of the women that she'd dated since me.
I wanted to know why and I wanted her to stop calling me her ex, as I'd always seen myself as on this journey to actually being her gf but always falling short of being given a chance. I was finding myself a little angry about the lie, then I thought there's something here to look at in myself.
-Real Love doesn't get Angry, only Selfishness etc.-
I'd stumbled onto the fact that I was trying to control how she was choosing to label our relationship, and having a fit because I wasn't getting my way, which was for her to stop calling me her ex. I thought it was a mockery of my falling short of some standard that she'd set up as what a gal had to be in order to be fully considered for the postion. (I know, poor Victim me!) Which in my world I didn't measure up, my pride was wounded and I could only blame myself for taking the rejection so personally. Then I realized, I was wrong.
-Real Love is Gentle with Oneself in the face of our own Humaness.-
I thought about what I knew to be true, that when you real love someone, you make it a point to accept them just where they are, flaws and all. I then realized that I hadn't been loving Kia this way. I realized that by even bringing up that I'd found out though a network of others in the world. That I was screaming at her that I didn't accept her, and that I realized that she must've felt uncared for truly. I thought Becca, It was just information to be processed and a glimpse into who she was being in this current now. Sometimes, in our struggle to understand every detail, we make the mistake not trully accepting the ones we love and hold so dear, and they feel it too. A more fitting action that would have communicated acceptance, instead of it's opposite, would have been to just take note of what I'd learned and then filed it away in the, so what file folder.
What happens when we don't truly see and accept a person right where they are?
For me, the experience has been that depending on where that person is in their stage of development. Some, may tell you in a truthful, yeah I lied didnt I. Then share with you what was going on with them, and the fears they were feeling that convinced them that they had no other choice of action. Yet, if one hasn't developed to this point and your pointing out the information, as I did comes during this fragile period, when they may not be ready for you to see them in this new view finder. Well, then sometimes a more extreme action may be taken to with you, it can be a simple "wasn't me" or a quick bolt like a JackRabbit in a dog race out of your life and viewfinder!
Leaving you standing with a water jug, two mugs and more questions, and loving them from afar.
What kind of a difference can it make in your relationships?
Today, Sharon my Real Love coach/wise person gave me more to think and grow on, when she asked me if what I'd been learning about what it means, looks and feels like, to truly love someone. Then she topped it off by asking if it felt like I was struggling or if things were getting better. This got my mind to going and I shared about what has recently happened with a woman that I've been, "In Love With" for quite some years now. The woman is now seeing someone else and I had learned that she had been spreading a lie about me to everyone of the women that she'd dated since me.
I wanted to know why and I wanted her to stop calling me her ex, as I'd always seen myself as on this journey to actually being her gf but always falling short of being given a chance. I was finding myself a little angry about the lie, then I thought there's something here to look at in myself.
-Real Love doesn't get Angry, only Selfishness etc.-
I'd stumbled onto the fact that I was trying to control how she was choosing to label our relationship, and having a fit because I wasn't getting my way, which was for her to stop calling me her ex. I thought it was a mockery of my falling short of some standard that she'd set up as what a gal had to be in order to be fully considered for the postion. (I know, poor Victim me!) Which in my world I didn't measure up, my pride was wounded and I could only blame myself for taking the rejection so personally. Then I realized, I was wrong.
-Real Love is Gentle with Oneself in the face of our own Humaness.-
I thought about what I knew to be true, that when you real love someone, you make it a point to accept them just where they are, flaws and all. I then realized that I hadn't been loving Kia this way. I realized that by even bringing up that I'd found out though a network of others in the world. That I was screaming at her that I didn't accept her, and that I realized that she must've felt uncared for truly. I thought Becca, It was just information to be processed and a glimpse into who she was being in this current now. Sometimes, in our struggle to understand every detail, we make the mistake not trully accepting the ones we love and hold so dear, and they feel it too. A more fitting action that would have communicated acceptance, instead of it's opposite, would have been to just take note of what I'd learned and then filed it away in the, so what file folder.
What happens when we don't truly see and accept a person right where they are?
For me, the experience has been that depending on where that person is in their stage of development. Some, may tell you in a truthful, yeah I lied didnt I. Then share with you what was going on with them, and the fears they were feeling that convinced them that they had no other choice of action. Yet, if one hasn't developed to this point and your pointing out the information, as I did comes during this fragile period, when they may not be ready for you to see them in this new view finder. Well, then sometimes a more extreme action may be taken to with you, it can be a simple "wasn't me" or a quick bolt like a JackRabbit in a dog race out of your life and viewfinder!
Leaving you standing with a water jug, two mugs and more questions, and loving them from afar.
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